John Gottman, Ph.D is a prominent researcher in the relationship field. He studies successful relationships. Here are some of his findings as summarized by Ann Klein, LCSW-C.

• The most important thing is to have a friendship-be interested in each other's lives.


• Verbalize and show appreciation for each other. He speaks about the 5 to 1 rule-5 positive comments or gestures to one complaint.


• Spend at least 5 hours a week alone with each other (it doesn't have to be all at once and friendly phone calls count).


• Avoid criticism which attacks the character of your partner, instead you can say a complaint ('I get frustrated when you leave dishes around, instead of you are a slob.').


• Instead of being defensive and blaming your partner in a counter- attack, see what part you play in the complaint and own up to it.


• Have respect for your partner, not being contemptuous-thinking you are better. After all you chose your partner-what does this say about you?


• Avoid shutting down and withdrawing from your partner-'stonewalling.'


• During arguments, initiate repair attempts,such as,' I see what you mean' (without necessarily agreeing),'let's take a time out.'


• Use a softened start-up, not screaming and blaming your partner.


• Conflicts and anger are normal and couples do not need to agree but need to understand each other and negotiate differences.


• Partners need to 'soothe' themselves and each other during conflict.


• Partners need to accept influence from each other.

Gottman's book is The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.

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Ann Klein,LCSW-C, LCMFT Offices in: Columbia, Maryland 6239 Plaited Reed close to Howard County General Hospital Laurel, Maryland 9811 Mallard Dr.- Suite 116 Intersection of Laurel-Bowie Rd and 295 ann@askann.com (410)730-4082 Cell (240) 593-1517 Fax at (410)730-6150